Merry Drunkmas
by prplemyth
Summary: It's Christmas Eve, so I thought I would do a stupid little one-shot of Harry, Ron and Hermione in sixth year around Christmas. This is probably the most absurd Harry Potter Christmas fanfic out there. Enjoy!


_A/N: …I shouldn't be allowed to write Christmas fics._

_But this pretty much will be the dumbest thing you will ever read._

_I hope you find it amusing, because if you don't, I will feel bad for wasting your time. Hehe._

_And there are far too many obscure references in here to properly cite them or to properly acknowledge where they came from. Essentially, if you recognize it, I don't own it._

_This story is based on the timeline of the movie, when Lavender gives Ron the necklace before Christmas break._

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away…"

I walked into the boy's dorm, trying not to laugh. "Um, what was that, Harry?"

"Hermione!" said Harry, falling over off of his bed and landing on top of his trunk. "Ow."

"What in Merlin's name was that?" I tried to get the image of Harry shaking his extremely skinny butt to Christmas music.

"My heart. It is broken." He stumbled off of his bed and pressed pause on the music box, which I had enchanted for them weeks ago to play in Hogwarts.

"Actually," I said, cautiously walking over to Harry, "I'm going to have to say your brain is broken."

From behind his bed, Ron popped up. "Lavender's annoying!" he shouted.

"I could have told you that ages ago…" I muttered.

"But seriously," said Ron, trying to stand up, and wobbling a little bit, "I'd so much rather that she'd just, like, cheat on me. Like," he tried to sit down on the bed, and missed, landing on the floor, "Like she would give me a reason to break up with her."

"Being an annoying twit isn't enough?"  
"Well," said Ron, standing up, "It's enough for me, but not for her. Won-won. Who the hell is Won-won?"  
"IT'S YOU!" said Harry, sitting on his bed and punching his pillow. "She loves you! Pet names. Pet names are cute. Damn mistletoe… She kissed me under the mistletoe…And then it was good til like…Til like Valentine's Day. And then she like…Left. Damn Cho!" said Harry, curling up in a ball.

"I wish Lav-lav would just like leave," said Ron, finally succeeding in sitting on the bed. "Then I'd be able to throw out this stupid necklace!" He yanked at the necklace and ended up with it just tangling in his fingers.

"Are you two drunk or something?" I asked, worried for the answer.

"Paaaa-shhhh!" said Harry, giggling like a twelve year old, "We're not drunk! I'm just sad and giggly. And I hate Cho Chang. What kind of name is that anyway? Cho? How about…Choo-choo train Chang…The…The," he hiccupped, "What was I saying?"

"Yeah!" said Ron, "We just drank some of the tasty soda that Frod and Gerg send me!"

"You can't even say their names right."

The two of them giggled. "I think they sent us alcohol!"

"What was your first guess?"

"I think Ginny's really pretty." Harry blurted out.

I looked over at Ron – would he be plastered enough to ignore it?

"I think you're really pretty!" said Ron, giving me an unexpected hug.

"You two should not be allowed to drink."

"Girls shouldn't be allowed to be mean," said Harry, crying a little bit.

"I LOVE DRINKING!" shouted Ron, running over to Harry's bed, carrying the bottle. "Here, Harry, m'boy, have another drink! It doesn't even taste funny anymore!"

I strode over to the bed, rolling my eyes, and pulled the bottle out of their hands. Their version of protesting was whining, "No!" and "Mine!" like two year olds getting their toys taken away. "No more for you two. I do not want to have to babysit you while you are hurling."

"Jeez, Hermione," said Harry, stretching out on the bed, "Why do you have to be such a frickin' kill joy?"

"Because you guys are underage, stupid, and going to regret this in the morning."

Ron scoffed. "Yeah, right. I should go break up with Lavender right now."

To my horror, Ron tried to stand up, but instead fell face first on the floor. "I'M OKAY."

"Yeah," said Harry, nodding his head with a smile, "Ron Weasley's gonna have to smack a bitch."

"Okay, no matter how much I hate her, there will be no bitch smacking while inebriated. Or ever."

"GOD HERMIONE," said Harry, looking like he was beginning to start a temper tantrum. His face was all screwed up and his arms were crossed like a little kid.

"YEAH! IT'S LUCKY YOU'RE SO SMART. And pretty. Did I tell you you're pretty? But you're such a kill joy!" said Ron.

Ron calling me pretty? Always a good thing. Ron breaking up with Lavender drunk? Never a good thing.

"Ron," I said, "How about you think this through when you are sober."

"NO!" said Ron, standing up, "No, no, no way, I need to do this now. I'm a wimp when I am sober, but I'm a badass hunky dude when I'm drunk."

"Breaking up with your girlfriend right before Christmas?" I asked, "Do you even understand how mean that would be?"

Ron shrugged, "She got me a doofy necklace. It's not like she spent too much on it. And I would give it back in a second. Because, like," Ron started laughing here, "It's like, really ugly. Like you! In first year, Hermuh, Hermane, Herman…Monster."

"Nice. You know, Ron, maybe you could be –"

"You know what would be, like, a really good chaser?" interrupted Harry, pointing at the bottle in my hand with interest, "Squirt."

"Ew," I said, "Squirt? I'd rather just drink the firewhiskey…"

"Do you want some, Hermione?" Ron asked. I hadn't noticed that he had made it to the door. "Maybe you could help me break up with Lavender if you were drunk too. And you'd, like, you wouldn't be so uptight. It'd be awesome."

"Ron, stop talking." I had no idea why I was still there, or even why I was still trying to reason with them. But apparently I had made it my duty to prevent the two of them from being complete idiots and drinking themselves into a stupor.

And besides – I didn't like Lavender in the slightest, but getting drunk dumped seemed worse even by owl.

"Ron, please wait. It wouldn't be fair to Lavender."

"DO YOU THINK THIS NECKLACE IS FAIR TO ME?"

I tried to choke back a laugh. "No," I said, "No, it's not, but you feel sad, don't you? You wouldn't want to make another person feel sad like this, right?"

"She deserves it!" and he ran out of the dorm. I rolled my eyes.

"Harry, stay here!" I said as I ran out the door, "I've got to stop your idiot best friend."

"HE'S NOT AN IDIOT. HE'S A BEAUTIFUL MAN!"

Trying to ignore Harry's last statement, I sprinted out the dorm room, down the boy's stairs, and skidded to a halt where Ron stood. And slammed into him,

"Hey, Hermione!" he said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I pushed him off.

"You're being drunk again."

"What's the way to get up to your, uh, your rooms? I need to go break-a-dup with Lavaduh. Laveveder. Lave…That girl I'm dating."  
"You can't even speak properly!"

"Yesh I canz!"

I glared at Ron. "Look, Ron, no."

"Yes! Now, with victory! Now!"

I rolled my eyes. "You're being an idiot!"

"If I'm such an idiot, why don't you break up with me?"

I tried really hard not to burst into laughter. "Ron, I'm Hermione. Not Lavender."

"Damn…I thought I could break up with her. I hate her. I HATE EVERYTHING."

All of a sudden, I had an idea. Ron should pass out soon. And if I got him up to his dorm…

"Hey, Ron?"

"Yes, Hermah?"

I ignored my mispronounced name. "What if she was in your dorm? What if she was just waiting there instead? That would make this so much easier for you!"

"I'LL GO CHECK!"

I wasn't running after him this time. Harry could explain this to him.

I walked up into my dorm and looked above my head.

Mistletoe.

I heard from up in Ron's room, "BUT I THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE HERE!"

"Merry Drunkmas to all," I said, walking up to my dorm, "And to all a goodnight."


End file.
